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Celebrity Boxing... It's Back! A certain television network aired its second installment of "Celebrity Boxing" last night. Why, you ask, did I not mention the name of said network? Well, truthfully I don't want to give them free advertising. Wait a minute (you quickly reply), couldn't writing an entire commentary on a program aired by the (un)aforementioned network be considered free advertising? Boy, you sure do ask a lot of questions! The spectacle of people milking their 15th minute of fame by jabbing each other for gobs of cash is something that has to be written about. If I didn't comment, I wouldn't be fulfilling my duty as a sports writer and a degenerate television watcher! Now, what exactly is it about "Celebrity Boxing" that so enthralls the masses? Oh sure, people publicly declare that they don't waste their precious spare time watching such disgraceful garbage and filth. However, the exceedingly high ratings don't lie. These same people must be snuggled on their couches, with the curtains closed, the lights off, and a bowl of popcorn in their lap as they cheer society's vilest members on to victory! Why bother possessing a holier than thou attitude? No, you are not above watching such base broadcasts, and neither am I. The question, however, is why? For the same reason people slow down to witness the gory aftermath of a car accident, the same reason massive crowds form around a fistfight between two people, and the same reason that millions of people (myself included) will fork over $54.95 to watch Mike Tyson nibble, stomp, and do everything but knock out Lennox Lewis next month... Because of our most basic instict, we as a human race, are drawn to violence. People feel a primal need to witness, participate, or generally bask in the glory of violence. In this world of political correctness, people need a manner in which to release the pent up frustration that our society tells us is immoral and unethical to express. We are constantly hounded by rules that declare: no you can't say this, no you can't do that, and no we can't allow this! Those desires don't just roll off of our backs, but instead are diverted, by well adjusted people, through watching violent acts. Some will cry that this theory is pure fallacy, because the popularity of the sport of boxing has lessened over the years. However, this can be explained due to the unfamiliarity of its participants. Not everyone knows the names and personalities of the several welterweight and lightweight boxers. However, who amongst us doesn't know of Tonya Harding, Joey Buttafuoco, or Danny Bonaduce? Because we know the spectators, we watch. Now, it is time for me to get off of my soap box and summarize the evening's events. Before the actual proceedings, we were presented with the gift of song. Greg Brady (a.k.a Barry Williams) opened the night with his rousing rendition of the American national anthem. Brady, in his dual role of singer and sideline reporter, appeared to be attempting to become a fixture on "Celebrity Boxing," as he was a previous participant. If he really wanted a full time gig, he should have dressed up as his former alter ego, Johnny Bravo! For those of you who have no earthly idea of what I'm talking about, all I can tell you is that you didn't watch enough of "The Brady Bunch." The first fight starred media whore Darva Conger and former Olympian Olga Korbut. How tiresome has Conger's act gotten? Didn't she, once upon a time, declare that she wanted to be left alone? If that is true, then why won't she just "exit stage right" quietly? As for the fight, Conger had a tremendous height, weight, and reach advantage over the Korbet, a wrinkled prune of her former self. Conger stayed on the offensive throughout the fight, however give the petite Korbut credit for lasting three entire rounds without having her knees buckle underneath the massive weight of the one pound boxing gloves and headgear!. Unfortunately for Korbut, her lack of reach was extremely noticeable, as she swung wildly at Conger, but rarely made contact. Conger ended the second round with seven straight right hooks to Korbut's head and jammed her into the ropes. In round 3, Korbut began to utilize a roundhouse swing, probably a tip from her corner man, in order to get more momentum behind her feeble arms. Conger won the match by a unanimous judge's decision. The "fight" was truly a one-sided affair from start to end. In the battle of the television class nerds, the second match of the night paired Horshack (Ron Palillo) against Screech (Dustin Diamond). I was in awe at the sight of Screech's physique, not that it was the least bit statuesque. Any former "Saved by the Bell" fanatic can vividly remember an extremely bony and lanky adolescent Screech Powers. However, it was shocking to see actual meat on his bones for the first time, at the ripe age of 25. In the pre-fight handshake, an obviously amped up Horshack shoved Screech in the chest. He would need any advantage he could get, seeing as he is twice the age and two thirds the weight of Screech! Throughout the match, Horshack utilized a bug-eyed stare while fighting Screech, comparable to a deer caught in a set of headlights. This was comedy at its finest, as I couldn't stop laughing! Screech played to the crowd with goofy shenanigans, and ultimately defeated Horshack soundly with a second round TKO. The next match was the fight that sports fans across the country had been awaiting for several weeks. In the oddest pairing in the history of boxing, Manute Bol took on the Fridge (William Perry). For those that don't know (and if you don't, you're probably at the wrong website), Manute Bol is the tallest man to ever lace up a pair of sneakers in the NBA, standing 7'7". William "The Refrigerator" Perry is a 450lb former defensive tackle for the Chicago Bears. Standing next to each other, the pair looked like the number "10." The unintentional comedy ensued before the fight commenced, as the Fridge was the only male participant to cover his torso with a shirt. This was probably out of necessity, seeing as he had the largest breasts in the building! In addition, Bol entered the boxing ring by climbing over the ropes, rather than through them... Probably the first such entrance in the history of the sport! This circus freak of a matchup was an extreme waste of time, as the two opponents danced around the ring like Jennifer Lopez backup dancers for three full rounds. The Fridge's lack of stamina was on prominent display throughout the fight, as he huffed and puffed like the "big bad wolf." There were a few moments when the Fridge reverted to his defensive football mentality and attempted to tackle the lanky Bol into the ropes. He never got a clean punch or made actual contact with his glove. Bol, on the other hand, used his extensive 100"+ reach to swing a few jabs at the Fridge and won the fight by a unanimous judge's decision. This fight was an anticlimactic letdown and a perfect setup for the main event. The final event of the night featured Long Island native Joey Buttafuoco and former female wrestling star and Playboy bunny, Chyna (Joanie Laurer). Because she is no longer affiliated with the WWF... err WWE, Laurer was forced to use her actual name. However, in our hearts she will forever remain Chyna, the Amazonian wrestler! This match begs the eternal question... What exactly did Buttafuoco look to gain by fighting Chyna? If he won, he defeated a girl, albeit a rather large one. If he lost, well he would be humiliated in front of a national television audience! It's a no win situation, right? Oh wait, there is the small matter of the $30,000 that each fighter stood to make! Silly me, I forgot about the money! Buttafuoco fought extremely dirty, which is sad when considering he was matched up against a female. Buttafuoco started aggressively, obviously looking to win the fight. He landed several clean punches, however on two occasions he threw Chyna to the floor, a la a wrestling move. Chyna was a bit tentative, yet managed to make contact with Buttafuoco on a few occasions. In the end, Buttafuoco won the fight by judge's decision, however he should have been disqualified when he dropped Chyna like a bad habit in the second round! In the post fight interview, Chyna challenged Buttafuoco to a wrestling match, given his propensity to discard opponents to the ground... Can we say "Celebrity Wrestling!" I bet Rupert Murdoch's phone is ringing off the hook right about now! And so ends another installment of "Celebrity Boxing." I could attempt to close by waxing poetically about the matchups, the perverse attraction to the event by the public, or by Amy Fisher's ex-boyfriend being a dirty rotten scoundrel both in and out of the ring, however I will keep it simple. "Celebrity Boxing" makes for great television, and the country looks forward, with great anticipation, to its next chapter.
The Fridge ran out of breath in his walk from backstage to the ring itself! |
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